Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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