thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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