get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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