Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
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