I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
