Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
