I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
