if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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