life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
