she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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