dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
