a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
