and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize