dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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