Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
