It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
