The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
