One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize