Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
