sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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