Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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