i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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