i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
His nipple licking is glorious
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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