Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I would fuck him just for his dog
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
