I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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