I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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