when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
