My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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