my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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