Who did Billy Mays play for?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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