She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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