I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
