The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
