god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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