I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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