We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We got so high we made milksteak
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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