I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
