I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
