Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
