Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
