Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize