You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
