it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
