the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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