I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You pole danced in your parka.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
