So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
