We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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