She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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