Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
