I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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