my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
