I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
the day after is always just damage control
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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