I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
