I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I checked into jail on foursquare
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
