youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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