I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
