Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Houston, we have a blender
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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