those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
