he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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