I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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