Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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