I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
