i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize