the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
