Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
My feet surprised me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
