I could have mohawked her pubes.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
