I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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