Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
