I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
