Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
