I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
