don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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