Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
