I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
